The Best Laid Plans of Saiyans and Nameks/Transcript
DISCLAIMER GURU: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and A... (starts snoring) ...kira Toriyama. Please support the official RELEASE! (cuts to Nail and Frieza arriving at a deserted area) NAIL: (removes his vest) This is my people's sacred battle ground. FRIEZA: We flew over an hour for this? It looks exactly the same as everywhere else on this godforsaken rock! NAIL: Hmph. Racist. FRIEZA: Well, maybe so... but I can't quite be a racist against a race that doesn't exist. Like the Clorfors. Dirty, money-grubbing Clorfors. Tried to clorf me right out of my money... Blew those little bastards up is what I did. NAIL: HYAAAAAH! (Nail does a karate chop at Frieza's neck... which has no effect on the tyrant) FRIEZA: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know we were starting. Here, allow me. (Frieza grabs Nail's arm and rips it off) NAIL: AAAAAAAH! FRIEZA: Looks like someone's going to be missing this! (drops Nail's severed arm) NAIL: No, not really. FRIEZA: Hm? NAIL: HRRRAAAAAH! (regenerates his arm) FRIEZA: Ooh, that looks like it hurts a lot. Are you okay? NAIL: I'm fine...! FRIEZA: Good to know. Yoink! (rips off Nail's arm again) NAIL: URRRGG... SEQUENCE (cuts to Frieza's ship, where Goku is placed inside a healing tank) GOHAN: So, what exactly is this? VEGETA: It's a healing tank. This will bring the idiot back to full strength. GOKU: (thinking) Heh heh, the bubbles tickle... Heh heh, ow...! It hurts to laugh... Heh heh, ow...! Heh heh, ow...! Heh heh, ow...! VEGETA: It'll take a while, though. This is the only other model the ship has... And it's kind of an old one. KRILLIN: What happened to the newer model? VEGETA: Blew it the f**k up. KRILLIN: What, did it have an opinion? VEGETA: Eat me. Now both of you... (in a deep voice) STRIP. KRILLIN: Ummmm... VEGETA: I've got body armor for you. KRILLIN: Less awkward... (shifts to Gohan and Krillin removing their regular clothes and putting on the Battle Armor) KRILLIN: You know, Gohan, it just occurred to me. GOHAN: Yeah, Krillin? KRILLIN: We're still on Namek. GOHAN: What do you mean? KRILLIN: Well, I mean, it feels like we've been here for like, a year. GOHAN: But we've only been here for six days. KRILLIN: I know, right? Hey, by the way, don't I look like that one guy that Vegeta landed with back on Earth? What was his name again? Hey, Vegeta. What was that one guy's name? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? (Krillin's head turns into Nappa in Vegeta's imagination) NAPPA: Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? VEGETA: Goddammit, Nappa. KRILLIN: Oh, right! Good ol' Goddamnit, Nappa. GOHAN: Krillin, we should probably focus on finding a way to use the Dragon Balls. KRILLIN: Well, there's always Little Green, but... GOHAN: But what? KRILLIN: That's a really long flight... GOHAN: Krillin... KRILLIN: Plus, I think I sense some hostility... GOHAN: Krillin!!! KRILLIN: Fine, fine! I'll go get him. Enjoy your company. (leaves the ship) VEGETA: Try not to get yourself killed. God forbid you make me happy. GOHAN: You know, you seem like you're in a bad mood. Maybe you should take a nap. VEGETA: Maybe YOU should... Eh, actually, that sounds good. (shifts to Vegeta and Gohan outside Frieza's ship) VEGETA: You keep guard out here. Make sure not to go too far; I like my meat shields within bullet-blocking distance. GOHAN: I didn't think bullets could hurt you. VEGETA: Shut up, I'm sleepy. (shifts to Goku inside the healing tank) GOKU: (thinking) Heh heh, ow...! Heh heh, ow...! Heh heh, ow...! Heh heh... KING KAI: (telepathically) Goku! Goku, are you there? GOKU: (thinking) Oh, hey, King Kai. I'm in a healing pod. KING KAI: (from his planet) I noticed, I wasn't paying attention. (telepathically) What the hell? GOKU: (thinking) Well, when I got down I ran into some really weird guys. One was really big and muscly; he went down real easy. Then these two guys double teamed me, one of them took it really hard in the back, but the other didn't seem that interested, so he went and brought this really horny guy! GEORGE TAKEI: (telepathically) Oh my... GOKU: (thinking) Who's that, King Kai? KING KAI: It's George Takei. Somehow he made this into a three-way... GEORGE TAKEI: (telepathically) Oh my...! KING KAI: CALL! THREE-WAY CALL! (cuts back to Planet Namek with a splattering sound being heard off-screen) NAIL: AAAAAAAAAUGH!!!! (camera shows an exhausted Nail and Frieza, with a pile of Nail's severed arms in the middle of the ground) FRIEZA: How many arms do you think we're up to...? I think we're up to twenty-four. NAIL: HRAAAAAAHHHHH! (fires a ki blast directly at Frieza) FRIEZA: (shown completely unscathed) Tell me. (Nail gasps) Have you ever heard of the planet "Vegeta"? NAIL: N-No? FRIEZA: Funny. Because I expect to hear the same from the next person when I ask them about Namek. (punches Nail in the face, causing him to fall down in pain) Oh, was that your nose? That was your nose. I've had a worse time, you know. It's not often I dirty my own hands with this sort of grunt work. There's always a certain amount of satisfaction I get out of doing it myself. (Frieza begins laughing with Nail joining in, who's still covering his face) FRIEZA: Ah... It is kind of funny, isn't it? NAIL: Aha. I'm... I'm laughing at something else, actually. FRIEZA: Eh, heh, heh, heh. What? NAIL: The earthlings have the password. FRIEZA: .... What? NAIL: Remember the little Namekian you passed on the way to Guru's? On his way to the humans with the password. By now, he's probably already there and they're about to summon the dragon. Haha! (Frieza is seen grunting, barely concealing his rage) NAIL: Yeah, if I had to guess your biggest mistake, it would be not stopping him. That, or the purple lipstick. FRIEZA: I WILL F**KING MURDER YOU!!! NAIL: Whatever. (Frieza flies off towards his ship) FRIEZA: (checks his scouter, which starts beeping) Why aren't the Ginyus showing up!? Oh, they're dead. WHY ARE THEY DEAD!? (cuts to Dende flying in the sky) KRILLIN: Stop right there, Namekian scum! DENDE: AAAAAAAAAAH! KRILLIN: Haha! You should see the look on your face! Oh, I'm just kidding, it's me, Krillin! DENDE: AAAAAAAAAH! KRILLIN: Haha! You're killing me, Little Green! Now come on, we gotta go summon the dragon. DENDE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (cuts to Gohan waiting in front of Frieza's ship, sitting on a Dragon Ball) GOHAN: (thinking) You know, it's not so bad... I mean sure, I've seen more people die than most people my age, or really, most people in general. Then again, I don't really know anyone my own age. My best friends are a 26-year-old dwarf and a giant green alien who constantly hits me. Still, better than my dad; at least they're AROUND! Huh... Where did that come from? KRILLIN: (off-screen) Hey, Gohan! GOHAN: Huh? That sounds like Krillin. (flies up to Krillin and Dende) Wow, you made it in no time at all! KRILLIN: Yeah... Little Green here was on his way back from Guru's. He said he can help us summon the dragon! GOHAN: Great! I'll go get Vegeta and-- KRILLIN: No, no, no, see? That's the best part! We're not gonna TELL Vegeta! GOHAN: That sounds like a very dangerous idea that could very easily backfire... KRILLIN: Well, we can either take the wishes for ourselves or give them to Vegeta. And I'm not gonna lie, I don't think he's dedicated to Team Three Star at all. GOHAN: You know, I've been meaning to tell you. That name... really doesn't sound very good. KRILLIN: Well, why didn't you tell me sooner? I thought it was stupid from the beginning, but nobody said anything! GOHAN: Let's just go summon the dragon and go home. KRILLIN: Yeah, fine. Whatever. (shifts to Gohan spying on Vegeta, who is sleeping) VEGETA: (talking in his sleep) First immortality... then the bitches... (Gohan carefully climbs down the ship and nods at Krillin and Dende, with Krillin nodding back. The three then take all seven Dragon Balls and carefully fly away from Frieza's ship, all while "Minnie The Moocher" plays in the background.) KRILLIN: We did it...! Again! For real this time, though! Now we just can have Little Green summon the dragon, and we'll finally have our wish! GOHAN: (senses something heading their way) Hey, is that Frieza? KRILLIN: No... GOHAN: I think that's Frieza. KRILLIN: No, it's not! GOHAN: Yeah, that's definitely Frieza. KRILLIN: (to Dende extremely quickly) Summonitsummonitsummonitsummonitsummonit...! (continues saying "Summon it! faintly off-screen) DENDE: (in Namekian/Klingon) Rise, grand Porunga, and grant our wish! KRILLIN: Dammit, stop speaking gibberish and summon the-- (Porunga gets summoned out of the Dragon Balls) KRILLIN: Holy crap. Your dragon's on steroids. PORUNGA: (in Namekian/Klingon) I am Porunga, Dragon of Dreams, and I-- (notices Krillin) … Why is there an Albino Namekian amongst you? I thought they were wiped out in the purge! DENDE: (in Namekian/Klingon) Actually, they are earthlings. PORUNGA: (in Namekian/Klingon) God, they're ugly. DENDE: (in Namekian/Klingon) And annoying. PORUNGA: (in Namekian/Klingon) Whatever. Let's get this over with. I will grant you any three wishes! KRILLIN: All right! We can finally get our wish! DENDE: The dragon says he'll give ya three. KRILLIN: Wait a minute, we get three wishes? That's awesome! I want a three-foot-- KING KAI: (telepathically) Stop screwing around and wish these idiots off my planet! KRILLIN: Holy, crap! I can hear a voice in my head! DENDE: Is it telling you my name is Dende? KRILLIN: Hush, Little Green! The voice speaks to me. (shifts to King Kai on his planet) KING KAI: This is King Kai. (referring to Piccolo, Tien, Yamcha, and Chiaotzu) Wish these guys back to life before I kill myself. KRILLIN: Wait, can gods kill themselves? KING KAI: I'M ABOUT TO TRY! KRILLIN: All right, Little Green, use our first wish to bring our friends back to life! DENDE: Porunga can only bring back one person at a time. KRILLIN: Oh... King Kai, he says it can only bring one person back at-- KING KAI: I heard him! TIEN: Which means, one of us gets left behind. PICCOLO: Just wish me back. KING KAI: I guess we should ask Yamcha what he thinks. YAMCHA: (inhales) PICCOLO: No one cares what Yamcha thinks! (telepathically) Listen, if you wish me back, then that wishes Kami back. Then you can use THOSE Dragon Balls to wish these morons back. KRILLIN: Which leaves us with two more wishes! Let's wish him to Namek! GOHAN: Wait, what? PICCOLO: Wait, what? KRILLIN: Little Green, wish our friend Piccolo back to life, and then with our next wish, bring him to Namek! PICCOLO: Hold on a minute... (Porunga's eyes glowing) Don't do that! That is a terrible i... (gets transported to Planet Namek) ...dea! (off-screen) AUUUUUUUUUGH!!! DENDE: He is on Namek. GOHAN: Wait, where is he? DENDE: On Namek. PICCOLO: (to Krillin, off-screen) YOU DUMBASS! KRILLIN: Why didn't it bring him here? DENDE: You must be specific. GOHAN: Oh, so it’s a sort of monkey’s paw. You have to be careful with the hubris in your wishes. PICCOLO: (off-screen) NERRRRRRD!!! (shifts to Vegeta sleeping next to Goku inside the healing tank. Vegeta suddenly wakes up and gets up on his feet) VEGETA: I have to pee! (starts running but stops and looks out a window) Jesus, I overslept. It’s already night... For the first time since I got here... on a planet with three suns... (animation of an alarm clock appears in Vegeta's head, ringing when the big hand teaches twelve) VEGETA: (realizes that the others have summoned Porunga without him) Oh, you MOTHERFU... (shifts back to Gohan and Krillin) VEGETA: (off-screen) ...UCKERS!!! PICCOLO: (off-screen) OW, MY EARS!!! GOHAN: So, what do we do with the third wish? KRILLIN: Well, if nobody else has any ideas, I want my three-foot-- VEGETA: (shows up, visibly furious) Hey! What's up, guys?! KRILLIN: I'm never gonna get my hoagie. VEGETA: So what are you doin'?! GOHAN: What am I doin'?! VEGETA: What are you doin'?! GOHAN: Nothin' much! VEGETA: Thwartin' my plans?! GOHAN: Thwartin' your plans?! VEGETA: ARE YOU?! GOHAN: (bluntly) ...Yes. VEGETA: ...I'm gonna f**king kill you! (walks up and grabs Dende by the scarf) But first... you are going to give me my wish for immortality, or I will snap his neck! KRILLIN: Wait! He's the only one who can ask the dragon to grant wishes! VEGETA: Then I've got nothing to lose! DENDE: Whatever. VEGETA: Good answer! (throws Dende to the ground, who grunts) Now get to wishing. (shifts to Guru inside his house) GURU: (thinking) I feel that they have finally summoned the dragon... Would be a real dick move do die right now... Huuurr!! (shifts back to the group and Porunga) DENDE: (in Namekian/Klingon about to make a wish for Vegeta to become immortal) Grant him immor-- (Porunga suddenly disintegrates and all the Dragon Balls turn to stone) VEGETA: Is... I-Is that normal? DENDE: No... It's dead. And that means Guru is too. KRILLIN: I'm so sorry for your loss. DENDE: Someone has to be. VEGETA: That doesn't matter! Don't you understand?! If it didn't grant me my wish, then I'm not immortal! And Frieza's going to... g-going to... (starts stammering in fear) (Krillin looks up and starts whimpering in fear. Frieza has finally arrived at the scene) FRIEZA: Ohohoho, no, don't mind me. By all means... give me some ideas. SEQUENCE STINGER (cuts to Mr. Popo humming and watering plants on Kami's Lookout) KAMI: (gets poofed back on the Lookout) Fan-freaking-tastic, we're back here again... MR. POPO: Oh, you're back. Hi, Kami. KAMI: Mr. Popo, what are you watering? MR. POPO: Pot. KAMI: Pots of what? MR. POPO: Pot... I'm not getting rid of it. KAMI: Are you kidding? That s**t's great for my glaucoma.